dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
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were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
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this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
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