Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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