You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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