I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
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Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
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I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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