Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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