We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My dick has a subreddit
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
