My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
