Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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