Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
