Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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