What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
