News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
