Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
