Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
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Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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