Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
In America we eat man semen.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
