Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
