Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
