My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
