i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
what day is it and did you see me today?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
