were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
