sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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