Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
