I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
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i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
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Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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