The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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