He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
