You just made me feel so damn special
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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