we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
