you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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