I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i think my cat just said my name.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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