it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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