Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
