I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
