She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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