so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
