Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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