new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
