I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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