It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
