There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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