I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
