Whod you bang
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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