her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
