Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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