I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
