woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
