She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just had sex on a roof
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Randomize
