My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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