Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
