Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
