My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
