i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
