Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
