I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
not ubering you a puppy
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
