No stitches, just platelets and will power
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
MIDGETS
????
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
