did you get engaged???
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
