If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
