It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
