I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
